In 1980, I read Steven Pressfields, The War of Art. for an intro to Art class at Rutgers. Nineteen years old, both afraid and strong willed, yet mostly unsure of who I was. A product of my childhood; fearful that I would fail. So immature as I was viewing and judging my parents not knowing then flaws are human that life offers a series of ebbs and flow of successes with failures. As an artist, no one around me reflected this was a path towards success and something I could do. To be truthful, no one reflected that I could be anything but not good enough. I did not know then, people sometimes view criticism as caring.
Yet I needed to create, always have. As a girl learning needlepoints, crewel, sewing, putting craft kits together, moving, making, doing things. In school, could not stay still until art clas and gym as I grew older applied art, graphics, and fine arts. As a college freshman I found the camera - that felt like home.
A spring 6 week 101 photography class (after coming home from a freshman year in Kansas City where the idea of communications, art journalism and physical therapy careers all swirled in my head) at Brookdale Community College with Stewart Thomas, thrilled me and encouraged me in a way one never forgets. I immediately got a photo jourmalist job at a local bi weekly for little pay. The following fall, transfered to Rutgers with classes all over New Brunchwich, NJ; I hated it and most of my classes even the photography and art classes. It was a Cook campus course (loved the professor, wish I could remember his name), part darkroom and english writing course entitled the history of photography which studied the beginning of photography and darkroom techniques. Hating everything almost everything at Rutgers, went back to community college in the search of how to make money as a photographer. I found portrait work, studied and grew.
Always photographing printing, to become better, to find the best processes and techniques to be a better photographer artist has been the path.
The truth is, people always who told me I wasn’t enough whether good enough, making enough have always been there. Eventually the lack of support and believe caused me to run from them. It took along time to realize I was looking in the wrong direction. It was me who needed to believe in myself. It has just taken four decades for me to understand, the art comes from me, not from others. So The War of Art.
Someone who cares for me once was trying to make me understand - “all the time you spend doing photography and my portrait business is too much, what you make is just a enough to be called a hobby as you do not make enough money, it pennies” then told me you could open a pizza restaurant anything would bring you more than this for all the effort I put in. You would be very successful with anything else, buy a Jersey Mike’s sub business.”
My response, “what you do not understand If I was not photographing and printing, building and rebuilding, working and making it better, I would just be making art in another way, it is what I do, it is who I am. If you do not understand this you do not love me.”
This confrontation stayed with me. I have understand the belief comes from me.
Portrait photography has been way to combine my need to create with other needs… to make a desired product and to take care of my family. As an artist, this allowed the focus on family in life and work. Yet more importantly, the desire to be the best artist photographer I can has continued as my work keep me in photography, to print, to create, to learn, to become better, to product.
Superstorm Sandy happened when my youngest child was a senior in high school, my oldest was expecting and my life was changing. Water has always moved me, the storm did not frighten me, it awed me and pushed me to change. It was then I became to see, envision images of beauty under the surface.
The grace and power of water to cause change.
This last decade, I have allowed myself to be the artist, with work driven by heart, with the images I need to share. These images are underwater. These are image that have to be created, art that has to be made, with a desire stronger than any obstacles. It is a little scary, as new ventures are full of risks and leaps yet I am ready to share them. Come see my my works at Hamptons Fine Art Fair, July 14-17, Southampton, NY
