I love You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You - Hoʻoponopono helped me
Last night's show was terrific; another evening event is in the works. I'll keep you updated when it is scheduled.
It is not my anniversary anymore, yet forty years ago, I married on May 7th. Our relationship has changed many times over the decades. We guided three exceptional children into adulthood and, together, love four grandchildren, with a fifth arriving in September! I loved him the best I could as a 21-year-old young bride. I am so glad we are friends now.
Hoʻoponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness
I have never been to Hawaii… yet I love this practice. It has helped me find peace.
The Storm - mixed media diptych 40 by 60 inches
I have been hurt and understand that others feel my actions may have caused them pain. I never intentionally did anything to hurt others; usually, I was trying to tell my truth and protect myself and my beliefs. I cannot say if others wanted to hurt me intentionally, and it no longer matters.
Accepting failures in ourselves and others have allowed me to be free. The stories I used to carry about betrayals and trials led to changes. These created a sense of peace and happiness by using this simple practice. Every aspect of my life is improved, and my work as an artist is better.
I Love You. I'm Sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.
These prayers are quietly spoken, sometimes almost silently. Sometimes I think about someone or something that happened that I am uncomfortable with. Somehow the thoughts of compassion blend into compassion for another and myself simultaneously.
An addition to the simple practice is Tibetan Buddhist Prayer using my own words. The orignal prayer is:
“May you be at peace, May your heart remain open. May you awaken to the light of your own true nature. May you be healed. May you be a source of healing for all beings.”
It is a daily practice that does not even seem like a practice.
Each night I take Bo, my labrador, outside before bed; standing beside the water is a time for myself each evening as Bo wonders. Softly whisper towards the water; maybe there is a slight breeze under the stars, or overcast night sky, or even rain; it does not matter.
I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank You
a breath then
May I be at peace, May I be healed, May my heart remain open, May I help with the healing of others,
At times each phrase may be in a different order or not remembered at that moment; it does not matter. I may request help with a current challange or someone else’s challenges and help with for my wishes
May those my work can help will find their way to it and help me find success
For me, it is talking to God, Goddesses & Gods, Spirit, my family memebers who are no longer here on earth, the universe, and whatever is more. If I have time, I allow the thoughts of energy and white light coming from above and below to fill my body grounding me while repeating these simple phrases.
Ho'oponopono means loving yourself. A way to improve your life, you have & heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – you do it by healing you.
I Love You.
I'm Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
Thank You.
These two prayers worked together and created change, leading me to a place of peace and happiness.
HO’OPONOPONO
(a) "To put to rights; to correct, revise, adjust, amend, rectify, tidy up make orderly or to make ready, as canoemen preparing to catch a wave."
(b) "Mental cleansing: family conferences in which relationships were set right (hoʻoponopono) through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, and mutual restitution and forgiveness.”
literally, hoʻo is defined as goodness - love the word - GOODNESS
ponopono is defined as to correct
Hawaiian scholar Nana Veary in her book, Change We Must: My Spiritual Journey wrote that ho'oponopono was a practice in Ancient Hawaii Ritual of Hoʻoponopono corrects, restores and maintains good relationships among family members and with their God. The process begins with prayer.
I Love You. I'm Sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.
bart - 24 x 36 mixed media
Love the movie title Becoming Jane.... Becoming me
Becoming Me
Growing up in a large family, I was never alone. As the forth child of eight, we grew up sharing bedrooms, hand me downs, someone to play with, to help and be helped by, taking and giving to one another (sometimes stealing, telling on). Loved being part of and hated it, too.There was always someone to talk with, count on, share with, fight with, be judged by and then as mom declined, they were gone.
This year has offered new ways to create a healthy life that feels inspired and full.
My stay at home began in Southwest Florida. Certainly an isolation; one that allowed time daily for art and thinking. This may sound funny - kayaking alone on the river each day gave way to discovery and soul searching that broadened my world.
The acceptance of unmet goals and dreams, along with a gratitude for my path inspired peace.
Maybe this is just what comes with age.
Come September, I will celebrate my six decades of birthdays. Mother of three good people, I did my job pretty well. ‘Grammy’ to four little darlings and, in time, maybe few more will arrive. I have been a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, wife and other labels, too. Been through heartbreaks, betrayals, and I have broken hearts and betrayed others, too.
these adorable little one are my grand children
In my twenties, thought I knew so much - life, relationships, parenting, everything. By my mid thirties, thought if I worked hard enough, it could still be accomplished. As a young mother life changed rapidly; my father diagnosis just when I was pregnant again ( somethings I had given up on) and his passing two weeks after my son was born - love, loss and renewal. As the next decade came and went, it taught me that the decision to try to keep my children’s needs foremost meant my goals were about them. If I kept running I would not feel the unfulfilled parts of me. Raising children who knew love was my goal along with running small little photography business. I learned it is not always possible to work hard enough, choices need to be made. Still tried to be perfect, it did not work. At 42, my twenty year marriage was over.
In 2011, turned fifty, decided my mother needed my help. This experience changed me again.
It is kind of funny looking back… the only word for it is devastation.
Mom had memory challenges. My siblings (seven of them) and I experienced this differently. Maybe nothing can prepare you for the loss of your mother. This pain surprised me. Then, Superstorm Sandy flooded my business and my home. This happened as my mother and my siblings were no longer part of my life.
Growing up in a large family, I was never alone. As the forth child of eight, we grew up sharing bedrooms, hand me downs, someone to play with, to help and be helped by, taking and giving to one another (sometimes stealing, telling on). Loved being part of and hated it, too. My siblings helped form my view of the world. My friends, the people we played with, were in part due to my relationship with my siblings. I wanted to fit, to be part of, to be love by, to be thought of as special.
In third grade, I lost an invitation to a neighbors birthday party and was devastated because my sister told me it meant I could not go (she was also invited). As a teenager, remember thinking my older brother would like who I was going on a date with because he would like his car. Truthfully, my older brother did not care. I just wanted to to be accepted. In a large family there was always someone to talk with, count on, to copy, to tell you what to do and think, be responsible for, share with, fight with, be judged by and, as mom declined, they were all gone.
So now… it is 2021 and I have learned to be me. Not as a mother, sister, daughter, or something, just me.
Closed a studio, gallery, store in April with Covid, it was the right time. Now only create work I am passionate about.
I want my life to bring goodness into the world.
Do I have ten, twenty, thirty years or more years left of creating goodness in the world? Is it possible to have more?
So this year I am sharing
An Inspired Life - journal for thinking, dreaming and discovering with daily thoughts
IG underwaterportraitphotography - water inspired portraits both under water & in the tub
IG susanjroche - things i like
So... I was tired, sore throat
So…. I was not feeling perfect
Last week I had a sort throat and stuffy head. By Friday, tired and achy. Then I started to worry,
“was this more than usually seasonal stuff,
was I sick, Covid”
So I stayed away from everyone… rested binged on apple tv, took baths, went on facebook. It took two days before I could get a test appointment on Sunday at CVS drive thru. Today, I have energy, feel great, but now need to wait.
Truthfully, I do not think I was positive but the fear of being the person to could have it and pass was terrible. It might have been eating gluten and just being tired!
This fear of COVID is 2020 and this will change. Someday maybe it like remembering something in distant past.
Apple TV binge watched in bed
I love this - 946-4955 - we did not even have an area code in the 60’s and 70’s
Truth Be Told - good
Defended Jacob - good but I had already read the book
The Morning Show -good
Today was spent cleaning
it’s back to the world again!
Symptoms of Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity | learning to be healthier
think of Gluten as Poison to You
My Doctor told me
look at Gluten as Poison For You
As an artist and a photographer, my work has always been influenced by my life’s experiences
How will Gluten Sensitivity affect me as a portrait photographer?
Do not know exactly how; maybe be a better person, therefore, artist and photographer
A large part of my work is to about empowering people
with portraits. It is thrilling to capture the uplifting experience of a woman being photographed underwater or a family connecting with one another during a photo session. Always known my photo shoots and images help people feel loved and special. Maybe sharing this can help others, too.
Menopause? Thyroid?
A decade ago, I began to gain weight. My body changed from having a athletic build with a flat belly to something different. I stopped feeling good, feet ached, skin broke out, and stomach bothered me. My feet really hurt a lot, they felt numb. This caused a tightrope of how much walking & activities I could do without them becoming painful. Less movement, weight gain or weight gain causing less movement. Being in the water helped and inspired me.
Was it hormones?
Different doctors, more tests, drugs, supplements, etc.
My belly looked like I was pregnant. Even when I was pregnant did I look that pregnant until the last month or two! My long hair thinned, a gradual shedding over the years. This year, it stopped growing!
Diagnosis - aging - again
My hair was often in braids or a pony tail, now a short bob with curls. Very much like my childhood idol the tomboy, read about in mystery books, Trixie Beldon. I hear “love that you cut your hair” all the time except my hair is trimmed every 9 months or so!
I knew something was wrong but what
Researching Auto Immune diseases still thinking Thyroid, an elimination diet began in late September of no gluten, dairy or sugar. I decided to not pretend to figure this out myself. Did not want a slew of different doctors telling me difference things; real help was needed and found with a (see this post) Functional MD.
I’ve heard the term, Leaky Gut before. Was it just another auto immune Disease that cannot be proved? Was an easy culprit gluten problems or auto immune, why?
When the tight junctions in the digestive system, which control what passes through the lining of the small intestine, do not work properly they could let substances leak into the bloodstream. Leaky gut syndrome is said to have symptoms including bloating, food sensitivities,aches and pains. It 's something of a medical mystery. “From an MD’s standpoint, it’s a very gray area,” says gastroenterologist Donald Kirby, MD, director of the Center for Human Nutrition at the Cleveland Clinic.
Is it diet, our food sources, has it been undiagnosed for years?
Dr. Miller said “your digestion is not working, it could be from many things so right now let’s treat this a reactions to gluten causing inflammation throughout your body.”
Diagnosis Non Celiac Gluten Sensitivity
Common Symptoms:
Bloating, gas or abdominal pain - used to bloating, often had my hand was on my stomach due to pain
Diarrhea or constipation - thought aging?
Nausea - always present unless I kept eating junk, pretzels, ginger ale, chips, cookies
Headache - starting now, they say it is part of healthy is getting worse
Brain fog - scares me because my mother’s dementia hurt her, all my siblings & I - immeasurably
Joint pain - podiatrist “my high arches are a birth defect, nothing can help, aging means limitations & pain”
Numbness in the legs, arms or fingers - mom had it, thought it was expected
Fatigue - well, there was Superstorm Sandy, rebuilt a house, my mothers passing, being tired is expected
According to my doctor, the elimination diet 18 days prior to the blood test and the week prior to the stool tests may have given an optimistic result
Meaning - possible Celiac
Tests - GI Stool profile with three day collection. Series of Blood tests - lab technician, “your doctor is really thorough, I have never taken so many for one person before”
Results ; released online - my first thought relief Parasitology not detected.
My doctor helped me to understand the reports and I’m continuing to learn.
Fecal Secretory IgA high 3059 reference range <=2040 mcg/mL
Zonulin Family Peptide, stool result high 419.0 reference range 22.3 - 161.1 ng/mL
What is Zonulin
Huge indicators, in my laymen terms, of an inability to digest gluten. This causes inflammation in the digestive track and throughout my body. The ‘bad” bacteria grows excessively with very little good bacteria. So the reason my throat, stomach and to my (sorry to be graphic) anus hurts was something real is wrong. The hair loss and other systems may all improve in a few to several months.
More results in the blood profile
Celiac Disease Panel IgA is 3 states negative but 4 or above is positive for Celiac
IgA Serum high at 359
Oxide LDL high (even though my other LDL is low) 180 reference 10-170t
Uric Acid & Albumin for both high - indicating the liver is not working correctly
Ferritin serum is off the charts at 370 instead of 15-150
Higher than normal ferritin levels can mean you have too much iron in your body.
Conditions that cause increased iron levels include liver disease, alcohol abuse (haven’t had a drink in months), and hemochromatosis, a disorder that can lead to cirrhosis, heart disease, and diabetes.
Magnesium is high-thought the feet cramps were from low mag not iron
super low LDL may be not getting nutrients
Is all this because of gluten? Something I have eaten my whole life. How could this be happening at 59? Why
Then I guess the truth is, it is unlikely that I will know with certainty. I know this,